I Saw the Light and I'm Scared

I cannot believe I'm writing this blog, but I think it may help somebody someday. So, here goes.

All of my life I've realized that I weigh more than the average person, and I've tried soooo many times to actually lose the weight, but after making a promise to myself to actually do something serious about the problem this year, I've come to realize just how far gone I am and how far I have to go. And, I'm scared.

I can blame stress, unhappiness, bi-polarism, genetics, and abusive marriage, low-income, snow and many, many, other things for my extreme obesity...BUT...I am not going to. For the first time in my life...I'm going to face my accountability in my weight. I am at this time just short of 300 pounds. By that I mean I weigh 287 pounds. This isn't my heaviest weight, but it is way more than the spot I want to be!

I've set myself a goal of losing 25 pounds by my birthday in May. So, far I've gained 3. Ummm.....I think I need to start getting serious!

I need to excersize, cut out sugar, and journal my food intake. Those are my starter goals. I've already cut out almost all soda...I say almost because over the past three months...I've started back into sneaking a soda here and there. My biggest roadblock is sitting at home. It seems I cannot sit in the livingroom for any extended amount of time without mindlessly drinking sodas. I went from having no soda intake to drinking 4 cans yesterday! YIKES! My body does not like that! So, I've made a promise to myself to pay more attention. Oh and to avoid the cookies that mom keeps making. Ay ya ya...living with a food pusher is never easy!

I feel optimistic though. I know that once I set my mind to something...I usually accomplish it. Not many women can say they escaped a marriage riddled with abuse, with five kids in tow, and then manage to go back to college, and take a returning GPA of 1.67 and change it to 3.69 in one year...then go on to another University and continue their education.

Over the past four years since my divorce I've been in 2 serious relationships and had my heart broke twice, but I've come to see how I was relying on men to justify my worth. I'm re-learning how to be in a relationship...man, is that hard! I've spent the majority of my life sabotaging myself, but I've finally thrown down the gauntlet and said enough is enough!

If I can succeed in school...I CAN succeed in losing this weight! So, at 5'5", 36 years, 9 months of age, and 287 pounds...I am declaring war on my inner demons and praying that God will continue to help me and guide me and just plain love me...as he (I once again realize) always has.

And Amy, since you are the only person I know who actually reads this....I just want to say thank you for always being my best friend in this world. And would you pray for me? I think I'm gonna need it! =)

A Brand New Path to Explore!

I'm taking my blog down a new path. Not sure where it will lead, but gonna give 'er a shot and see.

I'm going to continue being myself, but am going to add more of my everyday stuff to my blog.

I made a new recipe last night. http://www.womansday.com/Recipes/Hearty-Italian-Sausage-Vegetable-Soup-Recipe
I did what I always do...start with the printed recipe, and then...make it my own! Since I cook for 8-9 people when I cook a meal, and the recipe was for 4; I added to the amounts called for and added some different things! I added zuchini. I took 4 medium zuchinis and cut them into 1" pieces and then quartered those. And, I used a large can of chicken broth in place of the smaller size called for in the magazine. I also added italian seasoning and a pinch of pepper. Another obstacle I hit with the recipe was that it called for Italian sausages that come in casings. I live in rural Iowa...we don't have these! So. I went to my local Fareway Store (bless these folks!)http://www.fareway.com/ and got regular bulk Italian seasoned sausage from the butchers. When I browned the sausage; I just made sure to keep big chunks, and it turned out great!

I rarely make dessert, but I've been craving bread pudding. So, I broke down and made my family famous bread pudding. It turned out great as well...so I was a happy chef.

Today, after church. I got my Sunday school class started on our new Bible Study lessons. We are now going through the book of James, using the Max Lucado Life Lessons book. Today's lesson was on Growing closer to God through our trial, and let me tell ya folks...it spoke volumes to me. My life the last 4-5 months has been full of small trivial trials that have almost smothered me. Today's lesson helped me to see that; number one, I've been doing somethings right...like praying and completely trusting in God; and number two God is allowing me to go through these trials to help strengthen my spirit. So, knowing this has actually helped me, and I came out of the lesson...encouraged.
I just hope my boys (today's class was all boys!) got some insight and encouragement as well. Just a note on teaching a class full of Jr. Sr. high school aged boys.......It's like herding cattle!
OK, got that outta my system.

Now, time for me to finish my day. Clothes to wash, kids to taxi, homework to finish, friends to help out and supper to cook.....and this is my "light" day! Ay ya ya ...LOL!

Later gators!
Sep