Saturday, February 20, 2010

I Saw the Light and I'm Scared

I cannot believe I'm writing this blog, but I think it may help somebody someday. So, here goes.

All of my life I've realized that I weigh more than the average person, and I've tried soooo many times to actually lose the weight, but after making a promise to myself to actually do something serious about the problem this year, I've come to realize just how far gone I am and how far I have to go. And, I'm scared.

I can blame stress, unhappiness, bi-polarism, genetics, and abusive marriage, low-income, snow and many, many, other things for my extreme obesity...BUT...I am not going to. For the first time in my life...I'm going to face my accountability in my weight. I am at this time just short of 300 pounds. By that I mean I weigh 287 pounds. This isn't my heaviest weight, but it is way more than the spot I want to be!

I've set myself a goal of losing 25 pounds by my birthday in May. So, far I've gained 3. Ummm.....I think I need to start getting serious!

I need to excersize, cut out sugar, and journal my food intake. Those are my starter goals. I've already cut out almost all soda...I say almost because over the past three months...I've started back into sneaking a soda here and there. My biggest roadblock is sitting at home. It seems I cannot sit in the livingroom for any extended amount of time without mindlessly drinking sodas. I went from having no soda intake to drinking 4 cans yesterday! YIKES! My body does not like that! So, I've made a promise to myself to pay more attention. Oh and to avoid the cookies that mom keeps making. Ay ya with a food pusher is never easy!

I feel optimistic though. I know that once I set my mind to something...I usually accomplish it. Not many women can say they escaped a marriage riddled with abuse, with five kids in tow, and then manage to go back to college, and take a returning GPA of 1.67 and change it to 3.69 in one year...then go on to another University and continue their education.

Over the past four years since my divorce I've been in 2 serious relationships and had my heart broke twice, but I've come to see how I was relying on men to justify my worth. I'm re-learning how to be in a, is that hard! I've spent the majority of my life sabotaging myself, but I've finally thrown down the gauntlet and said enough is enough!

If I can succeed in school...I CAN succeed in losing this weight! So, at 5'5", 36 years, 9 months of age, and 287 pounds...I am declaring war on my inner demons and praying that God will continue to help me and guide me and just plain love he (I once again realize) always has.

And Amy, since you are the only person I know who actually reads this....I just want to say thank you for always being my best friend in this world. And would you pray for me? I think I'm gonna need it! =)

1 comment:

  1. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

    You know have totally impressed me with what you have done with your life. You should be incredibly proud of what you've accomplished. This post made me cry...I'm so proud of you. I KNOW you can do this!
    YES--I WILL pray for you!