Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Walk through Darkness

I need to start this blog by making the declaration that I hate to cry. I really, really, super-duper hate to cry. Now, I need to say that all I feel like doing in this moment is bawling my eyes out.

I had a decent day. (I felt like crap, but I have felt this way for two weeks now.) I got to class on time, and had a fun time at the Student Support Services workshop I attended. I won some fun trinkets and such.

My Drive home was relaxing. I spent it singing some of my favorite songs of praise and talking to my constant companion...my Father. I love having a heavenly Father that watches over me as I drive and that I know is listening to me....whether I am grousing, venting or just plain out praising him for this beautiful world He created.

Of course I was completely wiped out by the time I got home. (I should probably point out that I came home earlier than I had planned, because I felt very icky....this would be one of those rare times I wish I had health care for myself.) So, off I went to take a nap before the boys all got home. Jake and Niko were already here as they both stayed home sick today. (Man I cannot wait for winter to be done, so we can air this house out...bleach water isn't cutting it.)

After sleeping for 3 hours. I went to Lenox to pick up Ed..who had detention. (He keeps my worry meter at full tilt somedays.) When we got home, it was time to eat supper. Then (after spiffing up a little)we had to turn back around...head back to Lenox...and go to the school's Spring Pops concert for the Jr.-Sr. High.

It was a great concert, and boy did that bring back memories! They sang Rockin Robin. =) I STILL remember the words to that one from when I sang it in the same gym umpteen years ago. lol

Now...we reach the bad part. When Trin, Ed and I got home (Joe, Jake and Niko stayed at home with Grams and Gramps), and I got everyone settled for the night...I went to check my child support debit card account. To see if the payment from Lalo (my "Ex-ican") had went through yet. As I was looking I noticed that my balance was off by $1. A small amount and hardly note worthy...unless you are so broke that you know every dollar by name and where it goes. So I checked it out, because I haven't made any purchases in the last few days.

It was for a company I had never dealt with or heard of before; so I googled it (YAY! for Goolge!)
It turns out that this company is running this scam nation wide. So, I of course called my card company immediately. Not a prob, the card was cancelled out and a new one issued. No biggie, right? Wrongo!

I can't wait the 3-5 business days from Thursday (when the new card will be shipped out to me), to pay my bills that are due this Thursday! And I need money for gas so I can go to school. It never occurred to me just how desparate things have become in my life until tonight. I hate being poor! I am so totally tired of worrying all the time, about everything. Somedays it just feels like too much.

I am having what I refer to as a "dark" moment. It's one of those times when I feel trapped in darkness. I'm not going to give up though, because the darkness doesn't know about my handy dandy light that I carry with me. It's a teeny tiny light that grows sooooo big and dazzling that it shines for the whole world to see and it shine best when the darkness closes in. Yep, I think if I cry tonight....it'll be, because my Father has blessed me with His light and prepared me for moments like this. He has been working on me for a few years now..stripping away the barriers that I had built up through out my time with Lalo and the years following our separtation and divorce.

I've had to come to this place, where everything that I ever took for granted (bills being paid, guaranteed food on the table, gas for my vehicle, shoes for the kids, hair cuts at the barber, a night out, shopping trips....the list goes on and on) has been stripped away, and the only things I am left with are: my God, my Family, my Friends and my Talents. I just thank the Lord that he has given me more than enough of all of these things, and that he has prepared me for this time of hardship.

Yeah, I'm crying right now..sorry if my typing get messy...it's kinda hard to see the keys, but my tears are not of failure, or anger, resentment or pain. Nor are they tears of defeat. My tears are cleansing tears, healing tears, tears of trust, and hope and faith. I know God has a purpose for me, and I trust in Him that He will provide for me...as he has done all these years (even when I was locked up in my self-made prison of misery).

**Random Thought of the Day**
"Man, I have big ears!!!!"

(I know...that one was deep!)

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Sunday Stroll

Well, after snow on Friday and sunny but coollldd temps yesterday...today is paradise! I could actually go outside with only a sweater on this afternoon. Not for very long, but for awhile.

Yesterday was a fun day. Trini, Ed, Joe, Niko and I all went for a walk around town, and we were joined by Kaylee L. our neighbor girl. Jacob stayed home as he was running a fever. (He's still a bit sick today, but better!)

I used the opportunity to take a ton of pix with my new camera as we wandered the streets! I got some awesome pix and will have to start considering posting them someplace like flicker.

The message at church today was good, it was on how we should give of ourselves in service to the Lord. I was moved by this message and it has caused me to reflect on ways I can do more for my family and my community.

Well, that's all for now. I may add more today, but don't think I will, as I am getting a headache, my throat hurts and my left ear is yet again..aching.. .arrghhhhh Alllerggiiieess!! =)

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Funny Email about Walking!

This fit my whole "walking" theme....and it made me chuckle!

Importance of Walking

1/ Walking 20 minutes can add a lot to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

2/ My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60..
Now he's 97 years old...
and we haven't a clue where the hell he is.

3/ I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

4/ The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

5/ I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

6/ I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
...apparently you have to actually go there.

7/ Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

8/ I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

9/ The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'

10/ If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

11/ I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill was enough.

12/ We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our skulls.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND 13/ Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them eh !

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Strange Side Path

Today was an odd day for me. It started about 1 AM today... when I realized that I could not sleep and that 6:30 was getting closer and closer to me with each second that slipped past.

To make things odder (is that an actual word? I highly doubt it!), the weather went from sunny and 60 yesterday to 1 1/2 inches of random snowfall. It snowwed that much in under 2 hours..just in time for my morning commute to school. (Yay! ohh how I absolutely love driving 40 miles each way everyday to class...yes that was said sarcastically incase there was any doubt in your mind.)

After driving a half an hour I reached the town that is normally a ten minute drive from my home. As I went throught there still heading south I noticed that the plows had at least been out on my side of the road, thus making my way a bit easier. that is until I came upon the wreck.

A mamoth extended cab pickup truck had evidently been flipped by the lady driving (she must have gotten rushed too and was probably going a bit too fast..ok a lot too fast). It looked like everyone was ok. But 2 abulances were called in and there were children in the truck...that's what made me cry. I am what could be called a sensitive..I feel other peoples feelings if I let my mental walls down. (I try not to do this very often, but I was wore out and therefore not on guard.)

I got to school safe and sound. Had an average day. On the way home I dropped my van (poor beat up thing that it is) to the mechanic. He's gonna try to find out why my brake lights aren't working and why my check engine light keeps popping on.

I have also decided that my newest hobby other than bologging is going to be...swapping Artist Trading Cards. I'm extremely excited about this. I love to create drawings, so we'll see how this goes.

Ok it's late and I am beyond tired, so I am calling it a night.

*RandomThought of the Day* (observation really)

"I do not like chocolate....until I go to lose some weight."

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

My Very First Step

Well, here I am blogging, not sure yet what this will become...I suppose we'll see. I will share pieces of myself here. Sure hope I don't offend anyone horrendously or bore anyone to death. (I'd hate to have that on my conscious..geesh...the pressure!)

What can I say about me to make you read this? I don't really know...so knowing me, I'll put a bunch of random thoughts here and let you go along for the ride. (You'll have to pick through the toughts at your own risk.)

Seriously though, I am an adult with A.D.D. and P.T.S.D. I can be a bit random (to put it politely).

My spelling and grammar may not always be the the best. I tend to slip into my mid-western vernacular at times...I'll try not to swear on here. (That is a hard habit to break, but an easy one to acquire..unfortunately.)

For anyone wondering what in the world I am doing by using the parenthese. I'm sharing my thought process with you. For everything I say...I think a sentence as well. (Sometimes I wish I could do this in my day-to-day life...so people would get what I am saying better.)

I am thinking that I should probably share a bit about me, myself and I. I am a mom, a student, an ex-wife, a daughter, a chef, and a bunch bunch more. I have a lot of hobbies and interests and at the moment no time to do very much other than go to classes and raise my sons. (sigh...someday..I will finish my unfished projects!)

I don't go out very often as money is constantly tight around here. Here being the extreme Southwestern corner of Iowa. When I do get a chance to go somewhere I savor the moments. Usually though I look for things to do close to home. (I love the quietness of my little town.)

I live in the town I grew up in. Many of my friends have moved to bigger places far from here (I miss them), but it has been an easy choice for me to stay here (it's where I'm rooted). I like being close to my loved ones (I am such a homey person, I even shake my head at myself sometimes), and am grateful to have the opportunity to be close to them and that the boys have that chance as well. (Of course, I know the time will come for me to spread my wings and fly will come someday....so I am gathering every moment I can now...so that when the time comes for me to go onward, I will always have my home in my heart.)

Now, a bit about my sons. They are Trinidad (Trini), age 14; Eduardo (Ed), age 12 3/4; Joseph (Joe), age 10 1/2; Jacob (Jake), age 8 1/4; and Diego (Niko), age 6 3/4.

Trini, Ed and Joe have decided to give me more gray hair by going through all the stages of puberty at the same time. Trini shaved his mustache for the first time today. =) He then proceeded to tell everyone he met (he is soooooo my child!), from the lady in the bakery to the nurse at the doctor's office (he was home sick with sinus and allergies...poor kiddo).
Ed and Joe are just getting started with the testosterone surges...I just pray I will survive these next turbulent years.

I think I'll be done for tonight. If anyone reads this; I hope you at least got a smile from it. I'll get better as time goes onward to be sure, so please keep reading and any feedback is good as long as it isn't spam or mean (I'll just iggy any meanies...I don't have time for them!)

*Random Thought of the Day*
"The sun is always brighter......... when it rises to eye level as you are driving toward it!" =P