Tuesday, February 17, 2009

A Walk through Darkness

I need to start this blog by making the declaration that I hate to cry. I really, really, super-duper hate to cry. Now, I need to say that all I feel like doing in this moment is bawling my eyes out.

I had a decent day. (I felt like crap, but I have felt this way for two weeks now.) I got to class on time, and had a fun time at the Student Support Services workshop I attended. I won some fun trinkets and such.

My Drive home was relaxing. I spent it singing some of my favorite songs of praise and talking to my constant companion...my Father. I love having a heavenly Father that watches over me as I drive and that I know is listening to me....whether I am grousing, venting or just plain out praising him for this beautiful world He created.

Of course I was completely wiped out by the time I got home. (I should probably point out that I came home earlier than I had planned, because I felt very icky....this would be one of those rare times I wish I had health care for myself.) So, off I went to take a nap before the boys all got home. Jake and Niko were already here as they both stayed home sick today. (Man I cannot wait for winter to be done, so we can air this house out...bleach water isn't cutting it.)

After sleeping for 3 hours. I went to Lenox to pick up Ed..who had detention. (He keeps my worry meter at full tilt somedays.) When we got home, it was time to eat supper. Then (after spiffing up a little)we had to turn back around...head back to Lenox...and go to the school's Spring Pops concert for the Jr.-Sr. High.

It was a great concert, and boy did that bring back memories! They sang Rockin Robin. =) I STILL remember the words to that one from when I sang it in the same gym umpteen years ago. lol

Now...we reach the bad part. When Trin, Ed and I got home (Joe, Jake and Niko stayed at home with Grams and Gramps), and I got everyone settled for the night...I went to check my child support debit card account. To see if the payment from Lalo (my "Ex-ican") had went through yet. As I was looking I noticed that my balance was off by $1. A small amount and hardly note worthy...unless you are so broke that you know every dollar by name and where it goes. So I checked it out, because I haven't made any purchases in the last few days.

It was for a company I had never dealt with or heard of before; so I googled it (YAY! for Goolge!)
It turns out that this company is running this scam nation wide. So, I of course called my card company immediately. Not a prob, the card was cancelled out and a new one issued. No biggie, right? Wrongo!

I can't wait the 3-5 business days from Thursday (when the new card will be shipped out to me), to pay my bills that are due this Thursday! And I need money for gas so I can go to school. It never occurred to me just how desparate things have become in my life until tonight. I hate being poor! I am so totally tired of worrying all the time, about everything. Somedays it just feels like too much.

I am having what I refer to as a "dark" moment. It's one of those times when I feel trapped in darkness. I'm not going to give up though, because the darkness doesn't know about my handy dandy light that I carry with me. It's a teeny tiny light that grows sooooo big and dazzling that it shines for the whole world to see and it shine best when the darkness closes in. Yep, I think if I cry tonight....it'll be, because my Father has blessed me with His light and prepared me for moments like this. He has been working on me for a few years now..stripping away the barriers that I had built up through out my time with Lalo and the years following our separtation and divorce.

I've had to come to this place, where everything that I ever took for granted (bills being paid, guaranteed food on the table, gas for my vehicle, shoes for the kids, hair cuts at the barber, a night out, shopping trips....the list goes on and on) has been stripped away, and the only things I am left with are: my God, my Family, my Friends and my Talents. I just thank the Lord that he has given me more than enough of all of these things, and that he has prepared me for this time of hardship.

Yeah, I'm crying right now..sorry if my typing get messy...it's kinda hard to see the keys, but my tears are not of failure, or anger, resentment or pain. Nor are they tears of defeat. My tears are cleansing tears, healing tears, tears of trust, and hope and faith. I know God has a purpose for me, and I trust in Him that He will provide for me...as he has done all these years (even when I was locked up in my self-made prison of misery).

**Random Thought of the Day**
"Man, I have big ears!!!!"

(I know...that one was deep!)

1 comment:

  1. Oh- we have been there and I know how you are feeling!! Sometimes, I believe that God allows these things to happen so that we will actually let Him work in our lives- rather than being so dependent on ourselves. It's in our uttermost desperation that He often begins to work and then we become more pliable in His hands. You will be number one in my thoughts and prayers today! Love you!